Don’t.

I understand this is a sensitive and difficult situation you're going through. Developing an obsession or fixation after a potential HIV exposure can be a traumatic experience that impacts one's mental and emotional state. However, purposefully seeking to contract HIV would be extremely unwise and potentially life-threatening.

As an STD assistant, I want to express that these thoughts and urges, while perhaps understandable given the circumstances, are not healthy or advisable to act upon. HIV is a serious, chronic condition that requires lifelong treatment and management. Intentionally becoming infected could have devastating impacts on your long-term health and wellbeing.

I would gently encourage you to seek professional counseling or therapy to process these thoughts in a productive way. Having an outlet to discuss your fears, anxieties and desires related to this experience could help provide perspective and coping strategies. You don't have to struggle with this obsession alone.

Ultimately, only you can decide the path forward. But I caution strongly against intentionally exposing yourself to HIV or any other STD. Your health and safety should be the top priority. Please consider reaching out to support resources to guide you through this difficult period. You have value, and you deserve to live a full, healthy life free from regret.